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Updated: Oct 16, 2023

Warning: This article might hurt.

There are a lot of self-proclaimed dating app experts out there. They want to teach you how to filter, how to engage, how not to engage, how to disengage. How to set the first date, how to reject a bad first date, how not to raise your hopes for a second date. When to expect exclusivity, when to ask about exclusivity, whether anyone should seek exclusivity at all.

There is no better example in modern society of the blind leading the blind, than taking advice on how to use dating apps, from people who are still using dating apps.

Imagine you're the guy in the button-down dress shirt in Vegas, trying to make a couple thou at the tables and meet a model at the same time. I'm the card counter who gets kicked out because she's trying to play the system, not let the system play her.

For years, I have spent time on the dating apps on behalf of clients. My job was to search for specific ages, genders, and occupations in the city of my client's choosing. It's a really fascinating social experiment, because you get to see what men and women on the dating apps are like in different areas and demographics.

What most women don't realize, as they complain about all the terrible men on the dating apps - is that men have it worse. Just like every other man who engages with you propositions you in a disgusting way that makes you feel almost assaulted (and yet you keep going back for more!), every other woman who engages with a man propositions him for paid sexual acts or to join a MLM/crypto/insurance scheme.

This is why smart, decent men aren't really on the apps. They might have an account and scroll through when they're bored. But they don't stay on for long. Men aren't as romantically idealistic as women. Any intelligent man of good character recognizes when his time is being wasted and he's being yanked around. They don't fall prey to the trap.

There are seasons when loneliness is at a peak, boredom calls, and the apps are full of good quality singles who are sick of being single. But those seasons are very short-lived. Everyone great finds a partner very quickly and GETS OFF the apps. Everyone left is a bit hopeless (sorry to say), and oblivious to the fact that the brief good season has ended and they are once again left swimming in a sea of human and spambot mess.

"Simp" is a popular term that is short for "simple" or "simpleton." It's often used to describe men who let women take advantage of them. Usually the term is thrown mockingly because the man's humiliation is public - he and all of their mutual friends know that she doesn't care about him, but she's got him twisted around her little finger anyway.

When you are on a dating app, you are being a simp to the app. You're a SIMP for falling for the app's lies that it can help you find love. You are a SIMP being set up by the app for other people to make you their simp and devastate your life with lies, confusion, heartbreak, and often financial loss. Consider this your wake-up call.

Let me tell you why.

1) Dating apps have ZERO financial motivation to get you matched and off the app.

The apps make $$ from a lot of people being on them. They do not make any $$ when you get OFF the app. For every subscriber who exits, they would need to replace you with another subscriber. They profit when you stay on the app longer. There are no guarantees, no success rates, and no work on their behalf to help YOU personally succeed. Apps have a million bad reviews, but everyone thinks that they'll be one of the few exceptions who find their forever person on an app.

2) Dating apps are full of scammers, bots, S-workers, cheaters/players, AND WORSE.

Would you go shopping for groceries in a Whole Foods known to be full of pickpockets? Go to the gym known to host identity thieves? Drink in a bar that's known for people trying to slip roofies in your drink? Take your niece or nephew to an indoor playground run by a convicted pedophile?

If you answered "NO" to any of the above questions, rethink the wisdom of putting YOURSELF into a dating app. Which - even you and your friends probably admit freely - is chock full of unsavory, illegitimate, downright scary behavior and people. And it's way too easy to hide this

over the Internet.

3) Dating apps completely miss the boat when it comes to how dating works.

Let's dissect what apps call "dating."

  1. Write a report on yourself, with photos.

  2. Exchange profiles with a neighbor.

  3. Ask your partner questions from the essay prompts.

  4. Grade their answers with a Swipe Left (PASS) or a Swipe Right (FAIL).

  5. Write letters to your partner until they agree to meet you in person (PASS).

  6. Spend time and money on a date, then get told they didn't feel chemistry (FAIL), they'd rather be friends (FAIL), or have meaningless sex and get blocked or ghosted until they are horny again one night and text you randomly (FAIL).

Does any of that sound SEXY to you? ROMANTIC? Attractive?

Or does it sound like a nightmare where you're back in school, trapped in those desks - the ones where you can't even scoot your chair back because they're attached to the seat? At the mercy of adults who get to dictate what you do, what you say, and what content gets put into your unwilling brain?

Students in a classroom, the cute Black boy in the front has his "I'm listening very earnestly" face on, and I'm imagining somewhere out there he's all grown up and putting on the same face to try to get through another date. Will it pay off? Or will she tell him "I don't think we have chemistry, but I'd love to stay friends" ?
I don't know about you guys, but dating apps just feel like the worst parts of school to me.

This is an algorithm written by nerds who didn't get any play in high school.

"Oh, if only I could get girls with my ability to synthesize information and parrot it back!"

The irony is that it doesn't even work for the same nerds who built this terrible system.

Dating is mating. It's about pheromones. Chemistry. 360 degree sights, sounds, and smells. Meaningful attraction is something that builds over time, in-person.

For most of you, I'm going to be brutally honest and tell you right now: There is NO way you're going to find love on a dating app. Why? Because you don't present well enough, in photos or through text, or on awkward first dates, to EVER capture a person's heart with this weak, absurd method.

You COULD however, capture someone's heart through REAL-LIFE interactions and bonding. Let me be very clear: I am in no way saying that most of you are undateable. I am saying that in my professional opinion, an overwhelming majority of singles on the dating apps have ZERO

chance of finding love on the apps.

It's like a dentist telling you that Invisalign is not going to be able to straighten your teeth, and that you need braces instead. If you've already had braces when you were young and you just want Invisalign to put your teeth back into that formation, yes, you could be a candidate. But if you've never had braces, have palate or spacing issues, and you're looking to have a straight, Hollywood smile... then a reputable dentist is going to tell you that Invisalign just won't cut it.

In the same way, if you typically get hit on everywhere you go, have multiple friends/acquaintances crushing on you all the time, and have dated a lot...yes, you're going to get dates on the app.

I don't know why anyone would bother doing that, when they can go to chill places and meet real people. But hey, it's no different than scrolling TikTok, streaming Netflix, or playing video games. It's not good for you, but it's a cheap way to pass the time.

A light-up neon sign that reads: "Down the Rabbit Hole"
Is this article a rabbit hole? *shrugs* ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

If you never get approached for dates in public, have had few or no relationships, and don't even have Friendzoned potential future partners in your back pocket, then let me tell you a painful truth that will set you free: A dating app is going to give you NOTHING but wasted time and unnecessary frustration.

The app doesn't magically change anybody's prospects. For most users, it just sticks itself in between you and your romantic dreams and gets in the way.


Full disclosure - Of course, you're on my website, so you know. I'm a matchmaker. I'm obviously biased against dating apps. But dating apps are not my competition. Matchmakers definitely do not compete for the same clientele as dating apps.

a gorgeous indoor/outdoor space with wooden ceilings, white/gray sofas,  tables built of reclaimed wood, and a killer view
If matchmakers are a Design+Build company, dating apps are Hobby Lobby.

In fact, I should be grateful for dating apps. They are the reason that our clients come to us

ready to invest their money in a better solution. Clients who have wasted years before finally realizing that the logistics of dating apps are flawed from the start. That's hundreds and

thousands of billable hours and money/time that could have been better spent elsewhere. We have other clients who are relatively young - in their late twenties and thirties - but are sharp enough to realize early that dating apps are not the way to go.

Cute Asian guy in relaxed professional wear (blue button-down shirt, belt, and jeans) faces the camera as behind him, two women and a man sit at a table with a laptop, presumably talking over work. The couple are possibly clients.
It doesn't take burnout for some young professionals to realize that dating apps aren't useful.

One big indicator that apps don't work are the number of people who have been on them for a long time with ZERO success. In fact, what I most often see is:

  1. Instant Jackpot - People who've found their match within their first 3 dates off the app.

  2. Lifer - People who have been on the app for 3+ years with no luck. Some have been on the apps for 7 years, some mistakenly boast about being on them longer. (Which I compare to bragging that you've been looking for a job for x amount of years. At a certain point, you should be getting hired).

Young man with shoulder-length hair parted in the middle stares at his phone. The lighting is blue, melancholy, and his face is further lit in a purple/red tone by the light from his phone. He looks sad, almost as if he's trapped by the screen and unable to break free. He has nice long fingers, he could probably play the piano.
Dating apps intentionally build their system to be as addictive as other apps that bring you actual joy.

When I'm on the apps, I am Incognito. I search on behalf of my clients. Some matchmakers even swipe and start conversations on behalf of their clients, or set up dates that their clients just need to show up to. I do not offer any dating app-related services. But I used to offer a search, filter, and Share service to my paying clients. This meant that I was on the apps as a female AND as a male, and searched through a variety of ages, ethnicities, and backgrounds (depending on the client's preferences).

If you think apps are frustrating and hopeless for YOU, try doing what I did. Change your gender on the apps. Try looking for a crazy different age range. Try different cities, (that's something many people do anyway).

What you'll find is that the quality of results is pretty bad everywhere. It takes a LOT of hours of search to find gems, and IMO, it's only worth the tedious boredom and gross profiles if you're getting paid to do it. Actually, it's not even worth it for the money (which is why I no longer offer dating app-related services).

Let me tell you what I tell all simps, and have been telling them for decades. When you lie to yourself, the only thing you get better at is holding a constant, growing pain inside your heart. The biggest lie at the center of today's dating world is the belief that we need dating apps in order to find and connect people. We don't. Read my lips: you don't need an app.

Don't have a clue how to do it IRL? "It" meaning find, attract, vet, and date real, eligible people? I can't promise you that your romantic journey will be free of the awkwardness, disappointment, and heartbreak that has always been an inevitable part of finding love. But I promise that I can help you cut off the mutant extra stressors that have attached themselves to dating thanks to the apps. Three cheers to no more unnecessary additional toxicity!! Reach out at to schedule your initial consultation today. Let's get you in the game.

Good people are surrounded by good people. Swimming in the apps is like swimming in polluted waters. Do yourself a favor and delete the dating apps today. Watch more Netflix. Go to the gym more. Pick up a physical hobby. But for the love of God, please...don't be a simp for the dating apps.

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